Ask Scaebolah! (Freshman Week Edition)

The air conditioners’ are on the fritz, there’s some tension between the fratz, and I bet your social life suckz big time now. Just the old Malcolm Hall way of saying “Welcome, Freshmen!” But all is not glum and seriousness in this college. There is greed, ambition, lust, wrath, and ever so rarely – a flash of genuine love.

This issue is thus dedicated and addressed to the freshmen. May you suck the living marrow out of your first year, and may you enjoy each other’s company (before your block is dissolved next year).

Dear Scaebolah,

I’m new to this place. Why do you think we have a bell in Malcolm Hall?

Wondering 1L

Dear Wondering 1L,

This is actually harder than it looks, and to answer your question I must delve deeply into the theory of my good friend Albert Einstein, who our jurisprudence has recognized as “among the towering figures of humanity because, by their initiative, creative genius, redoubtable courage, high ideals and foresight, they have contributed something original and of widespread or universal effects in their respective spheres of activity” (Vargas v. Rilloraza 80 Phil 297). Surely you must have noticed by now – the College of Law is a site where the spacetime continuum is severely distorted. Time moves too quickly when you’re outside the classroom and you need to read that one last case. Conversely, time moves too slowly when you’re inside the classroom, and you’re about to be called to recite about that one last case (which you didn’t read). This distortion has caused some catastrophic events in the past. Just last year, a barrister carried a stack of readings so massive, that when he walked by the center of the distortion (it’s near the library entrance) he collapsed in on himself, taking some of his blockmates and a couple of hefty annotations with him. It also sent his would-be girlfriend into the past. He’s already working in a law firm (which is where you go when you enter a black hole), and she’s still in second year – they’ll never meet each other. Then there was this one time when a professor, was reduced to about 1/3 of his height (He survived).

By bringing back an absolute frame of reference as to time, the bell dampens the spacetime distortion and minimizes its effects, making the college safe once more.

Relatively Yours,

Scaebolah.

Dear Scaebolah,

I’m depressed. Ever since I got into law school I rarely see my old college buddies, and my girlfriend is starting to think we’re growing apart. I think it’s because of all these readings. Please help!

Blue Frosh

Dear Blue Frosh,

Have you not read The Great Message Inscribed in Marble? You’re here to be great lawyers, not happy, well-adjusted ones. Hello!?! Expresio unius est exclusio alterius. If you wanted to stay socially functional, you should have just taken an M.A..

The law school is here to fashion you to into a minister of law, praying for litigation. But until then, as far as your professors are concerned, you are the lowest possible life form.

Take to heart the ideal that you have to strive for. The lawyer is a priest of justice (In re Thatcher, 80 Ohio St. Rep., 492, 669), bound to uphold the dignity and authority of the law. Or, in case you want to be a judge or justice someday, this is how you must be:

"A man of learning who spends tirelessly the weary hours after midnight acquainting himself with the great body of traditions and the learning of the law.

A man who bears himself in his community with friends but without familiars; almost lonely, devoting himself exclusively to the most exacting mistress that man ever had, the law as a profession in its highest reaches where he not only interprets the law but applies it, fearing neither friend nor foe, fearing only one thing in the world — that in a moment of abstraction, or due to human weakness, he may in fact commit some error and fail to do justice. That is the judge." (Newton D. Baker, Secretary of War of the United States of America during World War I, quoted in GEORGE A. MALCOLM, Legal and Judicial Ethics, 1949 ed., 200.)

What does the above text say? First, you have to be a man (sorry ladies). Second, you have to be studying late at night, not worrying about whether or not you’ll get some bumping and grinding with your girlfriend (chances are, you guys won’t last until the end of the year anyway). So deal.

My advice is to make do with your blockmates as your temporary barkada substitute. Or do what I did during my first semester: I named my stacks of readings, painted a face on each of them, and hanged out with them all sem. I had so much fun, and to this day they’re still my friends.

Yours,

Scaebolah

Dear Scaebolah,

Do my professors care about me? I mean, as a person?

Afraid

Dear Afraid,

Hahaha! What a hoot! The answer should be obvious. :P

LOL,

Scaebolah

Scaebolah Special Feature!

In honor of the great Socratic Method, I present to the freshmen my recipe for the Hemlock Smoothie (killing impious corruptors of youth since 399 BC)

Ingredients

1 stalk of hemlock

1/3 cup ice

½ cup fresh milk

2 tablespoons of honey

1 sprig of mint

banana or apple or strawberry, for taste.

Preparation

Set aside a slice of the banana, apple, or strawberry for garnish. Put remaining fruit of your choice, along with the ice, honey, mint, and hemlock in a blender. Blend until smooth. Add milk and blend until foamy. Garnish with slice of banana, apple, or strawberry. Serve immediately. Perfect after recitation!